| hearts and bones, hearts and bones, hearts and bones, hearts and bones |
[23 Dec 2009|12:23am] |
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She said:
Why?
Why don't we drive through the night, we'll wake up down in Mexico.
Oh I...I don't know nothin' about, nothin' about no Mexico. And tell me: why?
Why won't you love me for who I am, where I am?
(S)he said: "'Cause that's not the way the world is baby. This is how I love you, baby.
This is how I love you, baby."
One and one-half wandering Jews return to their natural coasts to resume old acquaintances, step out occasionally, and speculate who had been damaged the most. Easy time will determine if these consolations will be their reward... the arc of a love affair waiting to be restored.
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| Someday my pain will mark you |
[22 Dec 2009|11:15pm] |
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Song: The Wolves (Act I And II)
Someday my pain, someday my pain
Will mark you
Harness your blame, harness your blame
And walk through
With the wild wolves around you
In the morning, I'll call you
Send it farther on
Solace my game, solace my game
It stars you
Swing wide your crane, swing wide your crane
And run me through
And the story's all over you
In the morning I'll call you
Can't you find a clue when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue
What might have been lost -
Don't bother me
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[21 Dec 2009|09:59am] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
] |
Ottawa!
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| looooooooool |
[19 Dec 2009|04:59pm] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
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This is terrible of me but I can't resist. Marking FOURTH TO LAST exam and just came upon this amazing revisionist nugget:
As noted in the coursepack and lecture, Republican candidates were seen as either scalawags or carpet munchers whose support came from one another and African Americans. Carpet munchers refer to the Northern Republicans who moved down to the South after the Civil War. They were eyed with suspicion as many believed they came South for the glory of politics, and did not understand their constituents."
The student means carpetbaggers... dying, lolol.
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[19 Dec 2009|03:56pm] |
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mood |
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 unimpressed. |
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Hi Moses if you're reading this. Kerry told me you had a nice laugh about this LJ earlier this week.
Just wanted to tell you I think you're a huge asshole and a creep, and I very much hope we don't meet in person any time soon.
It's really striking to me that you and Josh (who I've never even met) found it so hilarious that I wasn't sure how to categorize brunch with Chris, who I adore and respect. I find it sad that the best you can do, vis à vis the complicated terrain of guy/girl friendships, is laugh idiotically. I guess that explains why you're such a brilliant social success. I also think your voyeurism is pathetic. Really you had at least four or five years to form an actual rapport with me but you never could or seemed to want to. And now I hear of you lurking on my lj after I have deleted you from MSN and facebook. WTF? Are you really so starved for expressions of feeling that you can't help yourself?
You know, I've heard years' worth of stories involving you being mean, rude, or disrespectful to people, but until now I always harboured the stupid illusion that you wouldn't be disrespectful to me. Clearly I was mistaken.
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[18 Dec 2009|10:20pm] |
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mood |
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 guilty |
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Soooooo rutty about Dad. James and I went to Mesquite with Freddy and despite the warm, pleasant, jazz-filled atmosphere it was completely depressing and all he did was unload (he *actually* has no one else to talk to, I am seriously beginning to realize) about how Dad doesn't give him nachas and how worried he is, and how James should talk to him (thank god I am not going this year), but not to take him down or let on that we have lost hope, and that maybe he needs to go somewhere to withdraw, and who knows what will be with the money, and how hurt Earl is, and how it had better take off with the Mit, and how much damage Bubby did but she didn't mean to, it's her nature, she was too good a woman, and all he wanted to do was make a buck (if only he'd had an education)....
I am having the worst worst bad-person bad-daughter thoughts. Can't explain what it's like to --not give up, but realize I can't recall the feeling of faith in him.
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| early start |
[11 Dec 2009|07:04pm] |
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music |
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Ladies' Night (Missy etc) |
] |
Is it fair to predict a hangover?
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| fascinating |
[11 Dec 2009|12:38pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
is love rational, or "I hate love"
Date: 2009-12-11, 1:56AM EST
Reply To This Post
After living most of my life with strong feelings of like, but never any passion . . .
One day I met someone and there was a moment our eyes met, and although I already liked this person something was so incredibly different. I remember the thought running through my mind "somehow I love you." And I was shocked and scared and I instantly looked away. Since this moment I can hardly look this person in the eye. I never have had such a reaction to a person such as this and I do not understand it at all. Is it real or am I crazy? And if I am crazy, why would I suddenly arbitrarily have such a strange thought? I lost my breath, I lost my sanity, I lost everything I respect in myself. And I am torn between wanting to do everything I could to be close to this person (and ultimately have pushed the person away) and wanting to avoid and forget and erase the person from my mind. I do not know if this is love, or crazy, or what the hell is wrong with me. I do not know if the things I sensed between us were all in my imagination. All I know is that I feel really, really awful. I never have been in love. I need to know from those that have . . .
Is this a rational feeling you feel for the person you love? Does it make sense? Does it make you feel insane? I do not know how to tell the difference. Has anyone felt like this and been able to make it stop? How do you make it stop? I would do anything to feel nothing at all . . .
And how pathetic is it that I have no one I can admit it to and no place else to post this for fear of the possibility of hurting someone unintentionally.
I have lost track of how many nights I have cried myself to sleep. I used to be such a rational, stable, well-adjusted person . . .
I do not understand love at all. If anyone can explain it to me please share.
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re: is love rational, or "I hate love"
Date: 2009-12-11, 8:34AM EST
Reply To This Post
Look up limerence on wikipedia.
---
( Fascinating Wiki article on Limerence )
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| longing. |
[10 Dec 2009|10:04pm] |
today was weird.
tonight is quiet.
do people ever just go through things alone?
or - as I suspect but can never, ever prove,
for every inaction, is there an equal and opposite inaction?
this is me reading wendell berry.
this is me staying offline and reading tonight.
this is someone who has used wire cutters to snip all extraneous pathways to enrichment.
just me, the books, the brother... no one else. definitely no waiting for anything.
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| relieved |
[08 Dec 2009|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 relieved |
] |
oh god guys it's all cos i was pmsing!!
ah the world just makes sense again, love it.
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[06 Dec 2009|12:35am] |
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mood |
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 sober but full |
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SOOOOOO FULLLLLLLLLL GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH love my history crew.
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[04 Dec 2009|02:17am] |
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I actually creep myself out in quite a few ways.
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[04 Dec 2009|02:01am] |
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mood |
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discontent |
] |
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music |
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Talk to Me (Joni) |
] |
Oh, I talk too loose/
Again I talk too open and free /
I pay a high price for my open talkin'/
like you do for your silent mystery /
Come and talk to me/
You could talk like a fool - I'd listen/
You could talk like a sage/
Anyway the best of my mind/
All goes down on the strings screen and the page/
My mind picks up on these pictures/
Still gets my feet up to dance/
Even though it's covered with keloids/
From the /
"slings strains and arrows of outrageous romance"
Ugh god my life. The last time I felt like this - this need to unburden, divest, purge, evanesco! whatever - was almost exactly four years ago and it changed my life in grand and beautiful ways that will never happen again, or they may happen, but certainly not this time.
A part of me genuinely does think I am cool, edgy, "uniquely me" when I play this game, but I am just hurting myself and there isn't much more to it. Mostly it is that I don't know what I want, I just don't, and I don't trust, and it is a kind of torture, but I have my pride and I orchestrate it. I really do it to myself, beginning to end, and could stop doing it if only I could get myself uninvolved with the project. So why can't I? I just don't know shit.
That Joni is so wise. I have disliked Both Sides Now for as long as I can remember but tonight the words got caught on replay:
I really don't know life at all.
Tonight I feel like I just don't. Just no fucking clue.
Objectively everything is really fine. Actually it's good.
What is up?
nothing is up. like n2m u?
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| re: my life right now |
[04 Dec 2009|12:44am] |
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mood |
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DEPRESSED |
] |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I'm going to smoke a fucking cigarette.
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| 10 things |
[02 Dec 2009|01:18am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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1) Mostly I don't go to bed earlier because I am too lazy to change clothes, brush teeth, wash face, journal, close curtains, set alarm, unpack and repack school bag. Seems easier just to sit in my turtleneck and jeans with the holes in the crotch (despite two patchings -rutty - what does this say about my crotch?).
2) Enjoyed my walk with Amanda this evening. I detect someone 'Good' - am struck how I keep finding such people, really I do oftentimes feel like a shell collector wandering a great mysterious beach.
3)
Shadows from the trees
Shade the path that I am walkin'
As I make my way back up that windy road again
The smell of mountain laurel fills the air with sweet perfume
My heart beats faster as I near my journey's end
I wonder if he missed me
Wonder if he wants me
I wonder does he love me still
Will he be waiting for me
He will be, won't he
4) Virginia Woolf really is an exquisite writer.
5) I should just stop buying baked goods at coffee shops as a rule.
6) I was ravenously hungry tonight. Ate a stuffed pepper, a stuffed eggplant, three pitas, a grapefruit segment and two pieces of honeydew. This was after dinner and dessert, while I was waiting to see if Rachel would come online, which she did.
7) Over ale (which I ordered bec it reminded me of the Beth Orton song --that part where she sings "So, anyway, there I was, just sittin' on your porch, drinkin' ale..."), Mich and I were musing about how interesting it is (to us) how opposite we are when it comes to 'making moves.' She can't just slide her chair up to someone sitting alone at a bar and chat them up, and I can (and did). But - on the other hand - she has the capacity to act decisively in her own life, kissing people she wants to kiss, meaningfully touching their hands. In short: agency, which is something I do not particularly have without there being a LOT of talk, nor is it something that I particularly want to have. For myself. But I do envy it in her in a way. It makes me think she is more of a natural woman, where I am an overthinking pod-girl who just won't ever end up having very much sex. Anyhoo, so there's that.
8) Tess came for brunch and I cooked up an omelette involving red onion, scallion, cherry tomato and mashed potato! She brought Bailey's. It was tiv.
9) Had a sweet-ass chat with AT this afternoon that involved her telling me I was in the "top 1% of students" she's ever had. A part of me hates the fact that anyone ever has to think in those terms... another part of me is pleased as punch.
10) I really do need to somehow start going to bed at a more reasonable hour especially when I'm not chatting with anyone, just sitting around lazily.
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[30 Nov 2009|01:17am] |
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mood |
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grateful |
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music |
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Paul Simon |
] |
I can be happy in more than one way. This is good to know.
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[28 Nov 2009|04:02am] |
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The lights of the reservoir look so beautiful lately. The dampness of the city seems to underscore it. I keep thinking how different my life could be if I weren't... myself.
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[26 Nov 2009|02:15pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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JR and Mary Anne chatting |
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Guys I need to wash my hair. I look like Snape. All that reading and two students (two of my favourites though) showed up - out of 25. Which I suspect is more than other TAs got... We had good discussion but really? Did I need to do all that? Would it not have been better to wash my hair?
The world for Hermione's time turner.
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[26 Nov 2009|01:15am] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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1 thing i really hate about myself that i see all the time is when i start to really care about someone and then realise they don't care as much about me, i then fall automatically to finding things about them i don't like. a weird distance-putting mechanism gets put into play, and this feeling of exiting (however many times i return and exit back) is just nowhere near as fun as the entering. that is all.
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most recent entries |
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pov_power's journal
forget it.